Himes on Crack
by ficeler37
Summary: [Shiznat, Mai x Mikoto?] A series of oneshots. What do drunk himes talk about? 1 Tattoos! 2 Sex! 3 Student Council! 4 Super Bowl! 5 Drugs! 6 Truth or Dare!
1. Tattoos

**A/N **: Just taking a creative break from "The Challenge". I felt like making up a dialogue that is totally different from what I have been writing about for the past few days. The drabble is meant to be taken as a joke. Please don't hate.

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Midori: "I'm thinking about getting a tattoo, and it has to be something that represents me. Oh, I know, I can surprise my professor with a tattoo in his favorite ancient language! Everyone, what words come to your minds when you think about me?"

Nao: "Who do you think you are? Why would I think about you to begin with? Hey, get your hands off me! Why don't you go bother the dykes sitting next to you?"

Natsuki: "Who the hell are you calling a dyke? You after school hooker."

Shizuru: "Ara, it's not polite to use slangs like that, Yuki-san. These words are only empowering if you belong to that particular minority group. What would your mother think if she hears those words coming out of your mouth?"

Midori: "Drop it, you three. Hey, c'mon, people. Pay attention to ME! Let's get back to talking about my tattoo!"

Mikoto: "Mai, does a tattoo taste good?"

Mai: "Mikoto, a tattoo is not something you can eat. It is like a drawing on your body."

Shizuru: "I think that depending on the location of the tattoo on the body, sometimes it is possible to eat the tattoo, and may I add, the taste is quite exquisite."

Mikoto: "Kaichou, can you tell me where I can put a tattoo on Mai's body so that I can eat it? There are too many places on my own body that my lips can't reach."

Mai: "Kaichou, please stop giving Mikoto any weird ideas."

Nao: "Now I'm curious. Where will a tattoo have to be in order for you to eat it, Kyoto bitch?"

Midori: "For once, I'll let it slide that the spotlight is not on me. C'mon, spill it, Fujino."

Natsuki: "FIREBALL!"

Everyone except Natsuki: "Huh?"

Natsuki: "Don't you all think Midori will look good with a fireball on her arm? She's always so passionate about fighting crime, so the fireball can symbolize the fire she uses to burn away all the bad guys out there."

Mai: "That's not what we were just …"

Natsuki: "AND you can have really colorful tattoo nowadays! You can even have a rainbow color tattoo if you want to. I think Midori should get a bright red fireball as a tattoo. Don't you all think the color suits her well?"

Mikoto: "Kaichou, will a red fireball tattoo taste good? Will the shape of the tattoo change its taste too?"

Shizuru: "I think the location matters more."

Mai: "Which leads us back to the burning question. Kaichou, did you eat a tattoo on someone's body and where was the tattoo?"

Natsuki: "Burning! Mai, so you agree with me that Midori should get a fireball tattoo on her arm also, right?"

Shizuru: "Inner thigh. Ouch!"

Natsuki: "Shizuru, I don't think Midori can stand the pain of getting a tattoo there. The skin is too sensitive."

Nao: "Oh shut up, Natsuki. Go hang out with the dykes on bikes. Fujino, whose inner thigh have you been kissing?"

Mai: "Yea, I wanna know, too! Mikoto, why are you squeezing ketchup on my thighs?"

Mikoto: "I don't have any crayons on me, so I thought I would use ketchup to put a tattoo on you. A ketchup tattoo should taste pretty good, right?"

Mai: "Mikoto, don't put your head there. Ah Please….Please stop, Mikoto."

Natsuki: "Mikoto, keep licking the ketchup off of Mai and you get 10 bowls of ramen. My treat!"

Midori: "You think we will stop bugging Fujino just because Mai got distracted? You're too naïve, Natsuki. What a baby dyke."

Nao: "Wait a minute, Natsuki. You have been trying to make us switch the topic ever since Fujino brought up the whole idea of eating a tattoo? Could it be…, huh, I never knew you had a tattoo _there._"

Natsuki: "IT'S NOT A TATTOO. IT'S JUST A BIRTHMARK THAT LOOKS LIKE A TATTOO, OK?"

Shizuru: "But thinking of it as a tattoo is so much sexier."

Midori: "Damn, it's late. Gotta run. You two, get a room. But remember to show up to school on time tomorrow!"

Nao: "Ha, I knew it, Shizuru is a top and you're a bottom, you dog. Now that we're clear about this, I'm going to excuse myself and go hang out with Mom. Ciao."

Shizuru: "Natsuki, can we go home now so that I can take a look at your 'tattoo' again?"

Natsuki: "Yea, right. Like all you're going to do is look."

The gang splits up.

Wait, did we forget some people?

Mikoto: "Mai tastes good. I hope the ten bowls of ramen that Natsuki is going to buy me will taste as good as Mai."

Mai is too tired to speak.

THE END!


	2. Sex

**Title**: Himes on crack (Part II)  
**Author**: ficeler37  
**Note**: Don't own Mai-Hime. If I do, I'll turn my fics into omakes.  
**Rating**: R

**Summary: **What do drunk himes talk about? Sex.

**A/N **: Since I got some nice reviews from you guys, here's a sequel to Himes on crack! Yet another one-shot. Enjoy!

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Midori: (sniff sniff) Finally my professor asked me out on a date. I mean, I spent so much effort into dolling myself up, and what did I get? (hiccup) A VIP seat at the annual archaeology convention! With a nice ass like mine, I don't understand why he doesn't want to get into my pants! Nao-chan, help me!

Nao: Don't call me that! I don't know you that well. Why the hell are you clinging onto me again? Argh, your breath stinks. Jesus, woman, you're acting like one of those sex-crazed teenagers in your class.

Mai: C'mon, Nao. Midori has been in love with her professor for years. I can understand how frustrating it must be to not be able to go to the next level with the person you love. I'm sure you have some pointers for her.

Nao: What makes me qualified to be the sex guru here? What kind of assumption are you people making towards me?

Mikoto: Even Mikoto knows that men like to follow Nao. Right, Mai?

Nao: It doesn't mean that I sleep with them! I just make them fall in love with me, then I steal their money before they can touch me. I'm still a vir… Wait, why am I telling you people this? Mind your own business.

Everyone stares at Nao in shock.

Nao: Oh, c'mon. Is it that hard to believe that I have never 'done it'?

Midori: Alright, be honest. Who in this room is not a virgin?

Silence.

Shizuru: Well, how do you define a virgin?

Natsuki: SHIZURU!

Everyone stares at Shizuru and Natsuki in even more shock.

Midori: All these times, I thought you two were just fooling around. Are you telling me that you two have been taking all my "go get a room" jokes seriously?

Mai: You two … you guys have done it already? Not fair, Tate never had time for me because Shiho is always hogging him. And Mikoto … UM, I MEAN …. HAHAHAHAHA.

Mikoto: Yes, Mai? Did you call me?

Natsuki: Is there something going on between you two that we ALL should know about? Mai, c'mon. Spill!

Mai: Don't you switch the topic on me! So Kaichou, how did Natsuki lose her virginity to you?

Natsuki: Fujino Shizuru, one word out of you, and you can kiss your tea leaves goodbye.

Shizuru: (sniff sniff) Natsuki is so mean. I wasn't going to say anything to begin with. Even if everything is my fault, did Natsuki have to threaten me like that? (hands covering up face)

Natsuki: Oh no, baby, I didn't mean to …

Nao: Um, baby? (fake puke) You guys are sick.

Midori: Awwww, that's so cute.

Natsuki: Shut up! Shut up! Shizuru, help me.

Shizuru: (hands still covering up face)

Natsuki: It's all my fault, ok? I'm sorry, Shizuru. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Just please stop crying?

Shizuru: (taking hands off face) Everyone, I think the process of Natsuki losing her virginity is a private matter. Would you like to me to reveal all your secrets tonight?

Everyone except Natsuki remembers that they all have been blackmailed by Shizuru at some point.

Midori: Haha, just kidding. Of course, the most important night of a girl should never be talked about in public.

Natsuki: Who says it's at night? (Covers up mouth quickly)

Silence.

Nao: You two kinky bitches. Did you guys do it at school?

Shizuru: (shakes head) Natsuki, you can't blame it on me this time.

Mai: Let me guess. The student council room after school?

Mikoto: Mai, what did Kaichou and Natsuki do in the student council room? What is virginity? Does it taste good?

Mai: (blushes) Uhm … Kaichou?

Natsuki: All you people are going insane! I'm leaving. C'mon, Shizuru.

Midori: You two can't go! This is like showing us only the tip of the iceberg. cough As your home room teacher, it is my duty to know in details what students do when they are on school property.

Nao: Fujino, you sly bitch, aren't you abusing your student council power?

Shizuru: (innocent smile) Midori, September 21st 1998. Nao, October 31st 2004.

Both Midori and Nao: Goodbye!

Mai is not even going to try.

Mikoto still has no clue what is going on.

Shizuru and Natsuki exit the karaoke room.

5 minutes later…

Shizuru walks back into the karaoke room alone.

Shizuru: Ara, how clumsy of me. I forgot my tea bags.

Mai: There you go, Kaichou.

Shizuru: Thank you, Tokiha-san. Good luck with Mikoto-chan. (wink)

Mai: (nervous laugh) What are you talking about?

Shizuru: Mikoto-chan!

Mikoto: Yes, Kaichou?

Shizuru: It was the most delicious thing on Earth.

Everyone except Mikoto is stunned. Shizuru leaves.

Mikoto: Mai, I want to eat virginity too. Do you have any?

THE END


	3. Student Council

**Title**: Himes on Crack (Part III)  
**Author**: ficeler37  
**Note**: Don't own Mai-Hime. I'll let Sunrise take the credit.  
**Rating**: R (for language)  
**Word count**: 1578

**Summary**: What do drunk himes talk about? The Student Council.

**A/N **: Since Shizuru's official birthday is coming up (12/19), I thought I'd revive the himes on crack series for this special day. On a side note, the continuation of my Shiznat saga - Roommates Diary II - Double Date in Hell will not start for another couple of weeks. Just thought you'd like to know. Without further ado, here goes my latest story!

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Midori: Let's make a toast! (bangs the microphone against her beer mug)

Everyone winces at the noise, but raises their drinks in the air nevertheless.

Midori: To Natsuki, for being elected student council Vice President!

Everyone: Cheers!

Insert slurping sounds.

Mai: Hm … I understand why Natsuki is in her black uniform, but Kaichou, why are you wearing your old white uniform as well?

Shizuru: Natsuki and I were running a little late before we got out of the apartment, so I didn't have time to change.

Midori: Let's rephrase the question. Fujino, why were you in uniform at home? (evil cackle) I sense something gossip worthy coming up.

Shizuru: (hand on cheek) Let's just say that Natsuki likes it when I wear my uniform at certain times of the day. (blush)

Natsuki: Shizuru, stop making these misleading comments! Guys, it's nothing like what you are thinking about … (waves hands frantically)

Nao: Oh, and what exactly should we be thinking about? A little student council President uniform fetish for our resident pussy-whipped love puppy perhaps?

Shizuru: In a way, I suppose.

Natsuki: Shizuru, not helping! Goddamnit, Nao! Who are you calling a pu ... pus … AHHHH! (blushes madly) Just go to hell!

Nao: Is someone turning bright red because the word PUSSY reminded her of some steamy moments from the previous night?

Mikoto: Mai, what does pussy mean? Why would it be steamy? (drools) Is it like the steamed dumplings you made last night? I want to eat pussy too!

Mai: (big cross on forehead) What is wrong with you people? Everything you've said recently in our karaoke meetings has led Mikoto into wanting to eat … (blush) … you know what!

Mikoto: (looks at Mai with watery eyes) So no pussy? (pout)

Mai is using all her strength to keep from fainting at the spot.

Midori: (shrugs) C'mon, Mai. It's not like we were misleading Mikoto on purpose. In fact, you should be thanking us for giving you an opportunity to jumpstart your sex life.

Mai: Jesus, can we please talk about something else that has nothing to do with my lack of a sex life? (cough) SO, NATSUKI! How does it feel being the Vice President?

Natsuki: Not bad.

Natsuki blinks as everyone looks at her expectantly, waiting to hear more.

Awkward silence.

Nao: God, it's a miracle this stupid dog got elected. The infamous Fuka High School delinquent running for student council Vice President? What were people thinking when they voted for you?

Mai: Well, since you ditched the election ceremony, you probably wouldn't know this. But I suspect that Natsuki's victory had a lot to do with the ceremony's guest speaker …

Nao: And who would that be? Her sugar mommy?

Shizuru: Ara, Tokiha-san is too kind. I can't imagine how my short speech could be so influential.

Nao: Damn, what was in the Kyoto bitch's speech that would make her pet win?

Mai is determined to keep her mouth shut in order to avoid the wrath of the chestnut haired beauty.

Mikoto: (raises her hand) Mai said Natsuki won because Kaichou promised her fangirls that she would visit the campus more often if Natsuki was elected. Oh yea, and Mai said she couldn't believe how Kaichou made that promise 5 times in her 5 minute speech.

Mikoto flashes a big grin at Mai, expecting a nice head pat of approval for answering the question correctly.

Mai gives Mikoto's cheek a nice hard squeeze before smiling weakly at Shizuru.

Shizuru: Is that what you thought, Tokiha-san? (angelic smile)

Everyone senses the sudden drop in temperature in the karaoke room.

Midori: (cough) Moving on. Natsuki, what made you want to be in the student council? Trying to follow your girlfriend's footsteps? (raised eyebrow)

Natsuki: Of course not! Shizuru said if the Fuka University student council had to collaborate an event with the Fuka High School student council, she would rather work with me than anyone else. That's why I ran for the seat.

Nao: (scoffs) Same difference. Awww, that's true love right there. How cute. (fake puke)

Mai: Why settle for the Vice-President seat and not go for President, Natsuki? You'd probably win either way.

Natsuki: Shizuru said it'd be more suitable for me to be Vice President because the work load is less and I'll have more time to spend with her outside of school.

Shizuru: Privileges wise, the two positions are the same, except for the President's unique access to the school intranet. After the hime festival, Natsuki doesn't need the access anymore.

Everyone smiles as they once again realize how lucky they are to have a second chance at life after the hime festival.

Shizuru: Plus Natsuki looks so hot in the black uniform. I couldn't resist … (blush)

Natsuki: EH?!?!

Nao: (sweat drop) Please don't tell me that was your main motivation …

Shizuru: (smirk) Who knows? (throws her arms around the still shaken Natsuki)

Midori: I have a question for you, Fujino. Last time we played truth or dare, you were saying you only became President to give Natsuki access to the school's intranet. Now that the hime festival is over, what's motivating you to be the Fuka University student council President?

Shizuru: Well, in the university, the President gets their own office that is separated from the council's meeting room. I like having my own personal space on campus.

Nao: Fuck, in other words, you ran for student council President so that you can make out with your bitch any time you want, even during school hours?

Natsuki: Shut up! Shizuru wouldn't take on the responsibility for that stupid reason! Right? (goes for Shizuru's hand)

Shizuru puts on her usual smiling face, neither denying nor agreeing with the accusation.

Mai: (whispers to self) It's not like they didn't already get it on in the student council room in Fuka High School.

Nao: (turns to Natsuki) Can you swear on mayonnaise that you two had never made out in the President's office?

Natsuki: Ah …

Dying of embarrassment, Natsuki is mentally burying herself in a hole.

Shizuru: October 31st 2004. What a beautiful day …

Nao: ARGH! I HATE YOU! (crosses her arms in annoyance)

Just then, a karaoke place worker walks in to deliver the bill for the night.

Shizuru: Natsuki, do you have the student council activity forms I asked you to bring?

Natsuki: Yea, they're right here. (hands the forms to Shizuru) What are we doing with them?

Shizuru: For future reference, this is what you do at our future hime gatherings. Attach the customer's copy of the bill to an activity form and put "World Peace Fund" next to "budget source". Then sign your name twice. Once next to "authorizer" and once next to "source signature (if required)".

Natsuki: What the hell is the "World Peace Fund"? (sweat drop)

Shizuru: Just a little something I wrote into the school's constitution before I graduated. I figured it would be nice to have some financial compensation for the himes for their hard work during the festival. We did save the world after all.

Midori: Defenders of justice never ask for money!

Shizuru: Ara, any defender of justice is welcome to pay for their own beers from now on. (imaginary arrow one hits Midori on the chest) If I had known that I didn't need to take somebody's reckless drinking behavior into account, I would have cut the budget by half. (imaginary arrow two hits Midori on the head)

Mai: I'm surprised that Fumi would just let you change the constitution like that. What did you say to her?

Shizuru: Just a date.

Everyone gasps at the implication.

Shizuru: I'm just kidding. (giggles) C'mon, it's not like it's the first time the school is setting money aside for the himes. Everyone here is a beneficiary of the special scholarship, I believe.

Midori coughs.

Shizuru: Excuse me, Midori-sensei. But aren't you glad that you're included this time?

Midori: Well … yes. (scratches her burning cheek)

Mikoto: Mai, how come Kaichou is wearing her old uniform tonight?

Midori: THANK YOU! (grins from ear to ear) We can't let you two lovebirds go home before spilling the beans on your uniform fetish.

Nao: (disgusted look) Should we be worried about coming into contact with your uniforms? God knows what you two do while you're in them.

Natsuki: You guys have it all wrong! I just ask Shizuru to change into her uniform whenever she tutors me. It's an old habit. Her uniform helps me concentrate.

Shizuru: I really don't mind cosplaying as my high school self every now and then. What Natsuki said is true. We are as innocent as white rabbits.

Nao: Somehow I find it hard to believe …

Natsuki: Well, whatever you want to believe, it's none of my business. It's getting late. If you'd excuse us, I have some mayonnaise ice-cream in the fridge waiting for me. (pulls Shizuru up from her seat)

Nao: I can't believe Fujino is letting you eat that crap. How can you put that in your stomach, you pussy-whipped dog?

Due to a timely yawn, Mikoto selectively screens out Nao's words and picks up "eat", "stomach", and "pussy".

Mikoto: (whines) Mai, how come Natsuki gets to eat pussy and I don't?

Mai wants to cry.

THE END.


	4. Super Bowl

**Title**: Himes on Crack (Part IV)  
**Author**: ficeler37  
**Note**: Don't own Mai-Hime. I'll let Sunrise take the credit.  
**Rating**: PG  
**Word count**: 814

**Summary**: What do drunk himes talk about? Super Bowl.

**A/N **: This is just some silliness I wrote while watching the Super Bowl on TV last night. Honestly, not up to par with my usual stuff. But since I wrote it, I might as well post it. Now you may ask, why would a Japanese high school girl be interested in American Football, and why would a karaoke place in Japan be showing the game? Well ... Natsuki has special interests ... and ... the owner of the karaoke bar is an America freak? Yea, it's a bit far-fetched. Oh well, this is the ON CRACK series! Don't take things so seriously. Heh.

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Mai: Alright, who's going next? (holds the microphone out)

Natsuki: Mai, do you mind switching to the channel that is doing live broadcast of Super Bowl?

Mai: I did not come HERE to watch American football!!!

Natsuki: Fine, let's take a vote. Mikoto, do you want a Super Bowl? (pushes a tiny bowl of ramen in front of Mikoto)

Mikoto: Super Bowl! Super Bowl!

Mai: Hey, that's cheating!

Natsuki: Mai, you heard your pet. (grabs Shizuru's hand and brings it up to her lips) What about you, Shizuru? (big wet smooch)

Shizuru: (glazed eyes) You know I can never say no to you. (without turning head) Tokiha-san, I would also like to watch the Super Bowl, please.

Mai: Argh, your girlfriend doesn't count.

Natsuki: Whatever. So far that's three to one. Hey Nao, you don't mind, right?

Nao: If watching football means I get to avoid doing a rendition of The Weather Girls' 'It's Raining Men' in this ridiculous go-go girl outfit, then yes, you have my vote.

Mai: Oh c'mon, Nao. You would rather watch soaking sweaty men pile on top of each other than bask in the sacred glow of karaoke?

Shizuru: (Thinks to self) Watching them on TV versus singing about them, either way, the unattractive men win. (Sigh)

Nao: Nah, sweaty men don't faze me. I think that glow you mentioned scares me more …

Natsuki: As expected, Nao can't say no to ugly men drenched in sweat.

Nao: What's that supposed to mean?

Natsuki: Don't deny it. I saw you hooking arms with some construction workers right after their shifts back in our hime days.

Nao: Hey, back then I didn't approach those guys because I liked them, alright? Muscle boys don't have brains. It was easier to trick them. Besides, they're not my target anymore nowadays.

Natsuki: Oh right, now you're into bald dudes with bad breath. I saw the guy you were with last night. He practically swallowed half a bottle of minty breath spray before meeting up with you. You know what, tons of football players shave their heads. This is just your cup of tea.

Nao: Okay, just for telling me this, I'm going to side with Mai.

Natsuki: You can't change your vote!

Mai: That's two to three, Natsuki. Blame your big mouth.

Natsuki: Argh! Midori, wake up! Say you wanna watch the Super Bowl.

Mai: Uhm … I think she's too drunk to respond.

Natsuki: Damnit, who gets passed out BEFORE Super Bowl even starts???

Shizuru: Ara, since Midori-sensei's vote is void, doesn't it mean that my Natsuki gets to watch her game?

Natsuki: Good point, Shizuru! No wonder you're my favorite! (Quick peck on lips)

A panicking Mai is now slapping Midori repeatedly.

Mikoto: Super Bowl! Super Bowl! Where is my Super Bowl?

Mai: Mikoto, you're not helping! This is how you repay me for taking baths with you?

Shizuru: On second thought, Tokiha-san, you get my vote.

Natsuki: WHAT? (Bloodshot eyes)

Mai: Kaichou, are you sure?

Shizuru: Yes. Hundred percent sure. (sips tea calmly)

Natsuki: Fujino Shizuru, what is the meaning of this? (cross pulses on forehead)

Shizuru: C'mon, Natsuki. Let's go home. I'll buy you two packs of beer on our way.

Natsuki: Wait, we are taking off just like that?

Shizuru: My dear, remember how there are wheels underneath the TV table?

Natsuki: Yea … so what?

Shizuru: I'm thinking … you, me, hot tub, cold beer, Super Bowl on TV …

Nao: Just leave already, you dog. Go home and enjoy your game … in whatever way pleases you two. And for your information, nudity is not allowed here in the karaoke room.

Natsuki: Who said I'm going to get naked?

Shizuru: We're not? (puppy eyes)

Natsuki: Uhm …

Natsuki looks back and forth between Shizuru and the rest of her friends.

Natsuki: Run, Shizuru!

Shizuru: Huh?

Natsuki grabs Shizuru's hand and runs for the door.

Thunderous footsteps fade out.

Mai: Finally, I can sing in peace.

Nao: I'll sing but I'm still not going to bask in the freaky glow you talked about.

Mikoto: Super Bowl! Super Bowl!

Mai: (grabs at hair) AHHHHHH! We don't have Super Bowl here! If you want it so badly, go track down Natsuki and Kaichou!

Mikoto rushes out the door like a wild beast.

Nao: You do know that Fujino is going to torture you tomorrow, right?

Mai: Shiiiiiit! Mikoto, wait for me!

Mai sprints after the black dot now miles away.

Nao stares at the drunk high school teacher sprawled on the floor with red puffy cheeks.

Nao: Oh hell no, I'm not paying for tonight.

Nao exits the karaoke room on tip toes.

An oblivious Midori snores to the rhythm of 'It's Raining Men'.

TNE END.


	5. Drugs

**Title**: Himes On Crack (Part V)  
**Author**: ficeler37  
**Note**: Don't own Mai-Hime. I'll let Sunrise take the credit.  
**Rating**: PG  
**Word count**: 1193

**Summary**: What do drunk himes talk about? Drugs.

**A/N **: It has been a while since I posted anything. The past two weeks I realized that I could only write with a certain mindset. Lots happened and I was in a bad mood most of the time. But I suppose I got my mojo back tonight, hehe. Hope everyone will get a good laugh out of this. (Wink)

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Nao: Since this is MY karaoke birthday party, shouldn't I get to choose who's on and who's off my guest list?

Midori: I think whoever organized this gathering, in other words, WATASHI, gets to choose who to invite. Besides, I did a damn good job of inviting all your friends …

Natsuki, Nao: (finger points at each other) Who's friends with that slut / dog over there?

Natsuki, Nao: Who are you calling a dog / slut? (stands up and ready to fight)

Mai: Stop! (throws the microphone at the duo like a boomerang or Xena's chakram)

Natsuki, Nao: OW! (rubs red bump on head)

Mai: I don't care whose party this is. Nobody picks a fight in the holy temple of karaoke! Mikoto, mic! (snaps finger)

Mikoto runs on all four to the other side of the room to fetch the microphone.

Shizuru: Ara, Tokiha-san. You trained Mikoto-chan so well. I'm impressed.

Mai: Arigato, Mikoto. (pats the black haired girl and grabs microphone) Kaichou, it's really nothing impressive …

Shizuru: Hmmm … I wonder if I can do this as well. Natsuki, tea! (snaps finger)

Natsuki: Don't compare me with that single-minded pet of Mai's! (cross appears on forehead)

Shizuru: (sniff sniff) You raised your voice at me … and for what? A cup of tea? (buries face in hands)

Natsuki: (panic mode) Please, Shizuru. I didn't mean to upset you. You want tea, right? Hold on. (quickly pours tea into a cup and burns her finger accidentally) Ow!

Shizuru: Are you alright? (brings the injured finger to her lips) Be careful.

Natsuki: Shizuru … (breath quickens)

Midori: Simply put. (sing song voice) S-P-R-U-N-G.

Nao: God, this is what I'm getting for my birthday? Some sappy lesbian trashy romance novel scenario demonstration? Give me a break! (storms out of room)

Midori: Hey, Nao! You can't walk out on your own party!

Door slam. Awkward silence follows.

Natsuki: Give her some space. Her stuff is still here. She'll be back.

Mai: But … (heads towards door)

Shizuru reaches out and grabs Mai by the wrist as Mai walks past her seat.

Shizuru: Tokiha-san, please trust Natsuki's judgment. They are friends after all. (calming smile)

Natsuki: Shizuru! How many times do I have to tell you …

Shizuru: Hai, hai. (sips tea elegantly)

Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the karaoke room …

Nao: You would think that those two could stop making out with each other at least on my birthday. What an eye sore. If only there's a way I can keep the lovebirds apart …

Nao shoves her hands into her jeans pockets and leans back on the wall.

Nao: Oh my, what have we got here? (pulls a little plastic bag of powder from her pocket) That's right … I went to the drug store earlier to pick up next week's man hunt supply. (smirk) This should be interesting …

A karaoke place server with a tray of drinks in hand knocks on the door of the himes' room.

Nao: Hey handsome, why don't you let me give you a hand? Those are my friends inside. (winks and blows a kiss)

Server: (heart-shaped eyes) Sure. Thank you, miss. (hands tray over)

As soon as the server is out of sight, Nao pours some powder into a glass of coke and stirs up the drink.

Nao: Take this, Natsuki. You'll be running out of the room in no time. (devil horns emerge)

Nao enters the karaoke room with the tray.

Nao: (bored voice) Hey, I'm back. I ran into the server down the hall and got our drinks.

Midori: It's about time! That "I Will Survive" song really dried up my throat.

Natsuki: Took you long enough. Did your head get stuck in the toilet? Give me my coke.

Nao: Here's your drink. (sweet smile)

Natsuki: (quizzical stare) Okaaay. Who are you? What did you do to Nao?

Nao: Just take your coke before I dump it over your head, god damn it!

Natsuki: (phew) For a moment, I thought I stepped into the twilight zone. (grabs glass)

Mai: Now that we got our drinks, let's get back to the singing, everyone!

Happy times! The karaoke room is as lively as ever!

Fifteen minutes later …

Nao: (thinks to self) The drugs should have taken effect by now … (buzz buzz) Weird, who's calling me on a Sunday night?

Nao walks out the room to take the call.

Nao: Who's this?

Voice: Is this Yuki-san? I'm calling from the drug store. I'm sorry to inform you that there was a little incident when you picked up your merchandise earlier this evening. You see, we had a dyslexic new employee who mixed up LetItGo, the laxative, and LetItRoll, the aphrodisiac …

Nao: You mean, you gave me date rape drugs by mistake? (trembles in anger)

Voice: Yea … Well, we value your patronage. Goodbye!

Nao: HEY! Don't you hang up on me, you asshole! Shit!

Nao opens the door and is dumbstruck by the sight in front of her.

Natsuki: Shizuru, I feel funny … My body is burning. Let me help you loosen up. (starts unbuttoning the other girl's white blouse)

Shizuru: Natsuki??? (grabs hold of the wandering hands) What's wrong with …

Natsuki silences Shizuru with a searing kiss.

Midori: Wow, it's really getting hot in here. Get a room. (whistles)

Mai: I never knew that Natsuki was such a passionate lover. Alright, next up, Nelly's "Hot In Herre".

Mikoto: Mai, why is Natsuki giving Kaichou CPR?

Mai: This is not suitable for your age! (covers Mikoto's eyes with her left hand) Natsuki's not performing CPR …

Mikoto: But I've seen Mai do it at the beach before. You breathe air into the other person's mouth and put your hands on …

Mai: (covers Mikoto's mouth with her right hand) Ahhhh! You don't have to spell everything out!

Nao: I paid money to see JackAss style explosive diarrhea and now I'm stuck with lesbian porn 101. Shoot me now.

Mikoto: (muffled voice) Can't … breathe …

Mai: Oh! Sorry, Mikoto. (lets go)

Mikoto chugs the first drink she sees (cough, Natsuki's coke) to catch her breath.

Nao: Oh my god, can tonight get any worse? Midori, we need to leave NOW!

Midori: What's going on? (drags her feet towards Nao)

Nao: (whispers) Come with me if you wish to protect your virginity.

Midori: Huh? Why would I lose my … Ow! Be gentle!

Nao: (releases her grip on Midori's arm) Good night, everyone! Don't do anything a porn star won't do! (pushes Midori out the door)

Mai: Where are you guys going? The party just got started! (sighs at Mikoto) I guess it's just you and me singing tonight.

Mikoto: What about Natsuki and Kaichou?

Mai: I'm not putting the microphone anywhere near them. I don't want people to hear anything x-rated when they walk past our room.

Fifteen minutes of blissful singing later …

Mikoto: Mai, I think I need CPR … (tackles Mai)

Mai: Eh? Iya!!!!!!!

THE END


	6. Truth or Dare

**Title**: Himes On Crack (Part VI)  
**Author**: ficeler37  
**Note**: Don't own Mai-Hime. I'll let Sunrise take the credit.  
**Rating**: R for innuendo  
**Word count**: 1947

**Summary**: What do drunk himes talk about? Truth or Dare.

**A/N 1: **I wonder if people still remember me, hehe. It has been a long time since I posted anything Shiznat. At least I still enjoy writing, and am reading a lot of Shiznat fanfics. No idea when I'll post next. All I can say is, this fic is just a little silly something to brighten people's day. (grins)

**A/N 2: **Just want to do a shout-out to guubear, midorihitomi, Uchiha-chan, writer-jm, NatsukixOx, FiveMinutesAlone, jordan.D, random?guy, Kinslayer Nara, Vld, CrystalICE1, pekopeko, Pretend2besome1, scoobz, ToumaSan, justforgetit. Thanks for reviewing! Your comments are greatly appreciated!

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Mai, Mikoto, Natsuki, Shizuru, Nao, and Midori are hanging out in a karaoke room on a Sunday night. Everyone is drunk, and weird shit happens.

Midori: As the Social Chair of the Karaoke Club, may I present our first annual karaoke bingo night! (strings of confetti magically appear behind her)

Mai: And as the President of the Karaoke Club, I object! You can't sing and play bingo at the same time!

Midori: C'mon, I'm only responding to the remaining club members' wishes to spice things up a bit. Listen to the voice of the people in the spirit of democracy! (resurrects the famous Evita balcony scene)

Mai: (crosses arms) I never said that this club is a karao-cracy. In fact, you can call me the karao-tator.

Nao: Seriously, bingo is so old-school. I said to spice things up, not to water things down. Don't treat us like some old ladies in a retirement home. Can't we do something that is more suitable to our age? Oh, and by "our", you were not included, Midori.

Midori: Hey! I'm only seventeen! (strikes a kawaii pose)

Natsuki: As much as I hate to burst your bubble, showing up here in the Fuka High uniform does not turn you into a seventeen year old…

Shizuru: Midori-sensei, I regret to inform you that you are still not being picked up by my adorable kohei radar, which means you're either too old or not cute enough.

Natsuki: Excuse me, your _what _radar? (icy glare switch – on)

Shizuru: (angelic smile) The one I use to avoid running into tempta … I mean, totally clingy fan girls, of course.

Natsuki: Or the one you use to recruit new fan club members … (twists head to the side to show annoyance)

Shizuru: Why would I want to expand my fan club when I already have my number one fan by my side? (wraps her arms around Natsuki's waist)

Natsuki: (quiet voice plus tomato face) Who's your number one fan now? (struggles lightly in Shizuru's arms)

Shizuru: Since the day we met, I signed you up to be the lone member in the only Fujino Shizuru fan club sanctioned by Fujino Shizuru herself. (leans in for a kiss)

Hypnotized by the enchanting voice of her girlfriend, Natsuki closes her eyes.

Mai: (speaks with a microphone) Ahem, remember the newest karaoke club rule, girls?

Shizuru and Natsuki stop in their tracks in confusion.

Mai: Mikoto, rule book! (snaps finger)

Mikoto runs on all fours around the room and returns to Mai with a black binder in her mouth.

Mai: Thank you. (pats the black haired girl on the head) Back to you two rule-breakers. Rule number 37 – No making out in the karaoke room.

Natsuki: Shizuru and I never voted on this stupid rule!

Mai: Sorry to break it to you, but this is a karao-tatorship. After that strange incident from our last meeting, I feel that this rule is absolutely necessary.

Shizuru: Ara, may I perceive Natsuki's passionate dissent as a sign of her having the hots for me? (blows warm air into Natsuki's ear)

Natsuki: Shizuru! (whisper) You know damn well how I feel about you … (buries her head in the nook of Shizuru's neck)

Nao: God, I'd rather play bingo than watch those two horn-dogs fondle each other like there's no one else in the room. (disgusted look) Hey! Don't pass me a bingo card!

Midori: Fine, what do you propose we do then? (pout)

Nao: (smirk) I'm fine with strip poker or truth or dare.

Mai: How about truth or dare with a twist? The truth part stays the same, but for dares, we can only dare each other to sing songs and wear outfits. That way, I can make sure that there is singing involved.

Mumblings of "alright" and "okay" fill the room.

Midori: I'll start! Natsuki, I choose you! Truth or dare?

Natsuki: Am I a freak'in pokemon now? (sigh) Dare.

Midori: That's no fun. I already have the perfect question in mind!

Natsuki: The more reason why I am going for dare. Now name your song and outfit.

Midori: Hm … (wicked grin) I want you to cosplay as your dearly beloved. Sing Katakoi Enka in a purple yukata!

In mild annoyance, Natsuki goes to the changing room and puts on a purple yukata while grumbling nonsense.

Mai: Ohhhh, and you have to sing with a Kyoto-ben! (cheeky smile) I saw you buying "Kyoto-ben for Dummies" the other day at the book store.

Natsuki: (blushes) That's not part of the deal! Since when do you stalk me after school?!?!

Mai: I do some part-time private detective work on top of waitressing at the restaurant. However, in the name of the hime star, I shall not disclose the name of my employer.

Nao: (taps on her chin contemplatively) I bet it's your psycho girlfriend trying to scope out potential competition or … (eyes squinting) … to make sure that you're not cheating on her.

Natsuki: Shizuru! Is it really you? (veins start popping up on her forehead)

Shizuru: Your song is starting, Natsuki! Hurry! (hands her a microphone)

Mai: Remember the Kyoto-ben! If you can't do it, it means that you're dumber than a dummy!

Everyone in the room except Natsuki starts chanting "Kyoto-ben".

Overwhelmed by the chanting, Natsuki forgets about her interrogation and starts singing with a fake Kyoto accent.

Nao: (disbelief look) Shit, it's actually not that bad. She did study her dummies book!

Midori: If only she can spend as much effort in studying for her regular academic curriculum …

Mikoto: GO NATSUKI!!! (jumps up and down)

Shizuru: (breathless gasp) Natsuki ….

With her eyes fixated on Natsuki, who is pouring her soul out with her sultry voice on stage, Shizuru feels like she is falling in love with her blue haired goddess all over again.

As the performance comes to an end, a devoured by lust Shizuru slides one hand up the slit of Natsuki's yukata and murmurs in Natsuki's ear. Soon a heavily blushing Natsuki lies limp in Shizuru's arms and begins to tremble under her lover's touch …

Nao: Ahem, Rule 37?

Natsuki: Argh, whatever. (rolling her eyes) The singing wasn't so bad. Hm … Who should I pick on? … Mikoto! Truth or dare?

Midori: (whisper) I'll treat you to ramen if you pick truth, Mikoto.

Mai: (panic mode) Mikoto, choose …

Mikoto: (cheery exclaim) TRUTH!

Nao: Heh, this should be interesting. We don't even need to bust out my black market truth serum since it's Mikoto. Who's ready for some dirt on Mai?

Everyone except Mai and Mikoto: I AM!

Suddenly Mikoto climbs onto Mai's lap and begins a close examination on Mai's glorious chest area.

Mikoto: Where's the dirt? I don't see dirt on Mai.

Mai: Uh … Mikoto, didn't you say you need to go to the bathroom? Let's go together!

Mikoto: (confused look) Bathroom?

Midori: Not so fast! Answer my question then you can both go to the bathroom.

Natsuki: Uhm, shouldn't it be MY question?

Mai looks over at Natsuki with teary eyes and sends out SOS signals using a telepathy channel that is only shared by the best of friends.

Natsuki sighs and gives Mai a reassuring nod.

Natsuki: Alright, Mikoto. This should be easy. What is your favorite …

Shizuru: … place to lick Tokiha-san?

Gigantic sweatdrops appear on Natsuki's temple as she looks over at her graciously smiling significant other.

Using the same BFF telepathy channel, Natsuki 'thinks' to Mai, "Sorry, in the poker game of life, girlfriend trumps best friend."

Meanwhile, Mikoto's brows are furrowed as she contemplates the question with all seriousness.

Nao: HAHAHA! The Kyoto bitch is probably pissed at you for creating that no kissing rule, Mai!

Mai: (growls) Honestly, do you think you'll be off the hook for being the one who is most vocal about citing Rule 37?

Nao winces at the truth of that statement.

Mikoto: I got it! I like licking Mai's … HMPH?!?!

In desperation, Mai grabbed the plate of buffalo chicken wings on the table and shoved everything into Mikoto's mouth, not even caring whether the bones are going to make her lovely pet choke to death.

Midori: Hey, that's cheating! Stop interfering with the game!

Mai: As President of the Karaoke Club, I declare that tonight's gathering is over! Go home, everyone! (pants from shouting)

Midori: Don't be such a party pooper, Mai! C'mon, Nao, say something. It's your idea to start this game.

Nao: On second thought, I want to leave before Fujino gets her turn …

Shizuru: Ara, to be honest, I was quite looking forward to asking some intriguing questions. But … (lustful gaze at Natsuki) … going home is never a bad option.

Natsuki once again experiences Shizuru's amazing power to strip people with her eyes.

Natsuki: (cough cough) I just want to clarify that as Mai's best friend, I have no reason to put Mai in a difficult position. Therefore I will leave at her request.

Nao: Now you play your best friend card? (pfft) Please, as if we don't know that you two will be humping like rabbits as soon as you are out of our sight.

Natsuki: (blushes) SHUT UP!

Shizuru: Nobody makes MY Natsuki embarrassed except me … (hell fire is set ablaze behind the crimson orbs)

Nao: Gotta go! (runs madly for the door)

Mai: (nudges Natsuki on the arm and whispers) Damage control, ASAP!

Natsuki rolls her eyes then proceeds to wrap her arms around Shizuru's shoulders.

Natsuki: (sensuous voice) Take me home, baby?

In the blink of an eye, the Asura-hime transforms into a feral beast and lets out a primal howl. Natsuki is suddenly slung over Shizuru's shoulder and the two lovebirds vanish without a trace.

The words "You owe me, Mai!" can be faintly heard from miles away.

Midori: (face pales) Uhm, Mai?

Mai: What is it now, Midori? Party is over. Don't forget your bingo cards.

Midori: You know CPR, right?

Mai: Yea, so? (puzzled look)

Midori: Good, because I don't. (backs towards the door) Mikoto-chan's face is turning blue by the way. Bye!

As Midori runs away, she mutters, "Forgive me, Mai. I don't get paid till next week."

Back in the karaoke room …

Mai: I'm so sorry, Mikoto! (teary eyes) It's all my fault. I shouldn't have stuffed your mouth with chicken wings. Don't leave me!

In slow motion, Mai bends down and kisses the unconscious Mikoto on the lips like the fairy tale young prince who wakes up the sleeping beauty.

Bright light flashes from Mikoto's eyes, and chicken wing after chicken wing shoot out from Mikoto's mouth like a machine gun. Thanks to superb reflex as an ex-hime, Mai was able to get out of the chicken wings' way in the nick of time.

Mikoto: (coughs violently) Mai, what happened?

Mai: (sniffles happily) Just a little CPR. Thank goodness you are okay.

Mikoto: (cocks head to the side) Mai gave me CPR?

Mai: Yup because you weren't breathing.

Mikoto jumps on Mai and lands a big smooch on her owner. After the initial shock wears off, Mai pulls Mikoto off her body.

Mai: What was that for, Mikoto?

Mikoto: Kaichou said every time someone gives you CPR, you need to return the favor by performing CPR on the other person immediately.

Mai: WHAT?

With the agility of a wild cat, Mikoto quickly pins Mai to the ground.

Mai: Please tell me that's all Kaichou told you. (terrified eyes)

Mikoto: Fu fu fu … time for some heart massage …

Mai: EH!!!!!

Strange sucking noises and moans of pleasure are heard throughout the night from the karaoke room.

THE END


End file.
